Michael's story

“My name is Michael and a year ago I attended James’ Place in a suicidal crisis.

I’d struggled with my mental health since my early teens. Fast forward two decades and the pandemic and lockdowns had toppled many of my unhealthy coping mechanisms. Things had been increasingly unbearable since I’d had Covid badly, in Feb 2020 and again in July 2021. The virus had exacerbated existing chronic health issues and introduced new ones. In addition to my mental and physical health issues I had pulled away from friends and family, and felt so alone.

Between May and August of 2024, I was having regular, full body pain episodes so severe I was scared they were going to kill me. That I would just slip away in the night.

It was then that I realised that I didn’t care anymore, I’d almost welcome it happening as I didn’t want to live like that anymore.

Between these episodes all I could think, repeatedly, was “You’ve Failed”. That it was too late. I’d failed at life and everything it had given me, failed the people I’d met, my parents, friends. I couldn’t find anything positive to live for. I started to need to plan for dying. I thought of how to kill my beloved cat and even planned my funeral. I didn’t think anyone would care, couldn’t see why anyone would. I was blanketed in despair.

The final episode lasted for hours, and I became so overwhelmed I totally shut down, unable to move for several hours. I couldn’t think through things as my brain felt like a black swamp, like thick treacle. It only ended when my cat jumped onto me. That jolted me into being able to move and the next morning I called my local authority’s crisis number, and they put me in touch with James’ Place.

It was a godsend. I’d been telling people – medical professionals and my friends – that I needed help for so long. None came until James’ Place.

They took my crisis seriously: I felt validated and listened to, I was no longer just “whingeing” or “the problem”. Absent was the common refrain of “but you look well”. I didn’t look too well to be unwell. I could tell straight away that they knew how to help me and that brought a safety that is so lacking during a suicidal crisis.

James’ Place brought my crisis down from an awful, terrifying height. During my sessions we worked together to challenge some thoughts and behaviours I’d developed over my lifetime that had really not been helping me.

I remember it being so tiring. I was shattered after my sessions, but every time I came I felt a bit more energised, a bit lighter, a bit safer in myself. It took time and effort though and I was so grateful for the ongoing support that James’ Place’s intervention offers. Especially as many friends had astonished me with their insensitivity or silence during the crisis period.

I worked with my therapist on a safety plan and how to put boundaries in place to protect myself.

I was discharged by James’ Place 10 days before my 40th birthday. On my last day at James’ Place I remember it was a beautiful day. On that last day I reflected how I didn’t want to be dead anymore; I wanted to live and maybe all the fear and despair had been because I’d always wanted to. That even by seeking help, I’d still had an instinct of self-preservation.

I’m still recovering from the shock of that sharp fall into crisis; I still struggle occasionally, it takes work and time to stay healthy. But James’ Place’s help changed everything for me. I’m so glad it was there for me and the 4,300-plus other men it’s helped since it was founded. I’m reassured and feel safer knowing James’ Place is there if things descend again, and urge anyone struggling to seek professional help.

A year later, I’m finally starting to look forward to the future. It’s not too late, I haven’t failed and I’m even able to reflect that there are people who would care. There always was.”

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